Tuesday, July 8, 2014


What Am I Doing With My Life?

This is a personal question I'm facing a lot right now- "What are you doing with your life?

And... it's complicated. 

I have fibromyalgia, which affects my entire body. There is no known cause, and no cure. Chronic, full body pain is something I'm going to have to live with for the rest of my life. 

This year it has progressed to my hands and fingers, all the way down to my toes. I have become disabled, however the government doesn't recognize that [yet], and I am learning to deal with the severity of my condition. 

"I'm 28 years old and physically disabled," is not something I can say without wanting to cry. 

You wouldn't know by looking at me. I look normal, healthy, happy. And I am.. but I also have a lot of problems. I can't relax [or exist, for that matter] without being in constant pain. There are [many] days when I can't sit, stand, nor lie down. 

I'm on several medications [4 right now, 2 of which are controlled substances], which do help, but not completely. I figure any day in which I'm not lying in the fetal position, crying uncontrollably, is a good day. 

I can't hold a 'real job' right now, and no one in their right mind would hire me in this condition. 

And so, I've found this to be the opportune time to make use of my talents and do what I love- music, writing, clothing, makeup, photography, modeling... I do what I can, at my own pace. There is immense pressure every day to do more, and it's hard, but I do my best. 

I also take time to educate the world about fibromyalgia, and support others who have it. 

FM has taken over my entire life, and I just try to stay focused on getting through one day at a time. It's not easy, and never will be. I never did anything to deserve this condition, and am probably the last person I'd expect to have it. But that's life- always throwing curve balls. 

Despite the problems, having FM has made me a much stronger person mentally. Every day I have to see beyond the pain, to the more important things. 

I get a lot of help, especially from Gary, and I am so thankful I have people in my life who understand [or try to]. Having someone there, to listen, is the best help in the world. <3 

So what am I doing? Living. One day at a time. 

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