FUCK FASHION: I Just Don't Give A Shit Anymore

Throwback from 2009 (T7N). Still love it.

There was a time when what people thought about me mattered. I was quite the people pleaser. (I still am now.... but on my own terms.) This was several years ago now, a time when my sense of self worth was dictated by the opinions of others.

Back in high school, I was a total GEEK. I tried to fit in, to be fashionable, to be liked... I wasn't very good at any of it, honestly. Boys didn't like me. Or, I should say- I was a friend, never girlfriend material.

I was going through hard times at home. I didn't have many true friends I could talk to. And to those I could, I never did, because I was afraid to admit to the hardships I was enduring. And I utterly, completely hated myself. I thought it was something I deserved.

And I wanted to die.

Eventually, I got serious about music and after 5 or so years of doing what I loved, I began learning how to love myself. I had the chance to recreate who I was, and begin living the life I felt I should have... as an artist.

It wasn't an easy task. I had to push out all the naysayers, every single person who didn't believe I had the mental capacity to decide anything for myself, let alone anything against the norm... and that was pretty much my entire family, as well as what few "friends" I had.

I met many wonderful people who taught me many wonderful things. Even though I don't get to see them often, every single person holds a special place in my heart. I have learned and grown so much because of our friendships.

Once I started learning how to produce music, many thanks to Chris (I adore you), I had released the equivalent of 3 demos, 4 albums, and 2 single releases. Not too shabby. I'm learning a skill that can serve me in many ways.

Just when I felt strong and almost on top of the world, I was attacked. Held and tortured, with the intent to kill. I won't go any further into the details. This is a touchy subject.

But the next day, I continued on with my life as if it never happened. Because, fortunately, I was thankful to be alive and that's all that mattered. Physical wounds heal. No one can truly hurt you unless you give them that power. I was alive, and happy to be so.

Today, three years and I don't care how many months/days later, I am still alive and happy.

I won't lie- I still deal with the effects of PTSD on a weekly basis. However, my brain has a funny way of blocking out dreams and bad memories (years of conditioning) to keep me sane. I am stronger now. I make a point to enjoy the little things. And I am very thankful for what good things I do have in my life.

I am going to be 28 years old in a month and 8 days. I am now finally mending fences with my mother. FINALLY I may soon be able to leave for a larger city (so many problems kept coming up over the past few years, it wasn't an option). And now, finally, NOW, I am nearing completion of "Breaking Pandora", a masterpiece 4+ years in the making... There are no words to describe what I am feeling right now. It has been a very long and difficult few years.

I've also gained other wonderful things during this time, which I am very thankful for. I found a cute artist boyfriend who adores me, and will continue to be a major supporting 'cast member' in the future of my online 'reality show'.....in a different city... This blog, after only a few short months, has earned me the opportunity to receive many wonderful gifts from several different companies. I hope to continue to partner with other brands and expand my resume. You have been very kind. I also hope to one day earn the opportunity to make this my job- to document my life, share what I'm wearing, and create art. Music. This is my dream. And I want to use it to help others as well.

At this point in my life, I know who I am and don't give a shit what anyone else thinks about me. I would only suggest considering the source before jumping to conclusions.

I'm no good at following trends, let alone keeping up with 'the latest'. But I do know what I like to wear, what I think is cool, and I wear it proudly. You see, it's not always about what you wear, but rather, how you wear it. Diversity is more widely accepted now- BE YOURSELF!

In living honestly, with yourself and everyone else, you learn to overcome the weak human ego, and discover true happiness. (Unless you truly know gratitude, everything you thought about happiness is a lie...)

Material possessions are not a means to pass judgement- they don't matter. But once you start living with a mentality of abundance, wealth just follows... Work hard every day and be thankful for everything you have. Stay humble. Try to help others. And stay true to yourself and everyone else.

And take some time to enjoy the little things- even if it's just painting your nails.