A lot of girls (and guys) have them. I have them. You probably have them too.
I was eating disordered for several years, and I still have issues from time to time now. That doesn't mean I'm going to start starving myself again, but I do suffer from a poor self image now and then. I get depressed.
Now is the time it's at its worst- the holiday season.
For many of us, it starts with Thanksgiving. (Some start at Halloween, binging on candy.) Once we devour all those leftovers (hello, gluttony), we keep going, and continue our eating patterns through Christmas (or whatever holidays you celebrate) dinners, and as we're nearing the new year, we've gained weight and feel huge and disgusting. A lot of women make resolutions to lose weight, but we all know no one ever really keeps their resolutions...
I know, I know... You're probably thinking, who the hell is she to be discussing weight issues?? She's not even 120 lbs!
But I'll tell you a secret- it really doesn't matter how large or small you are. Women of all sizes deal with poor self image.
For me, it's my belly.
I don't have much there. And many would say I'm pretty well toned. But that's not how I see it.
Inside, I'm feeling, I'm not skinny enough, not pretty enough, not smart enough, not successful... It's horrible!
But, I think, it's how you handle it that makes the difference.
Today, I'm bloated and feeling gross. But I'm not hiding behind an oversized hoodie today. NO! Not only did I take a photo of my bare midriff (and some underboob!), I am about to wear a form-fitting sweater and not give a shit what you or anyone else thinks about me.
I am going to dress myself with confidence and take on Black Friday afternoon with attitude!
I can most certainly relate to this entry. Anyone who has or had an eating disorder couldvery well relate to this entry.
ReplyDeleteThe holidays are a tough time for those who are in recovery or are still struggling with their eating disorder. It's a day to day battle. It always will be, but there does come a point it does not rule your life any longer.
I was severly sick with the illness of anorexia back in '05. I was down to a bmi of 10.1 being 2 weeks from death and spending 3 weeks in ICU until I was transferred to a hospital for 2 months that specialized in eating disorders.
In these 8 years since then it's been an up and down battle ESPECIALLY during the holidays.
I can honestly say this was the first year in all of those years that I ate Thanksgiving dinner (I actually went to two this year) and ate it without much thought or guilt. It felt freeing. Years prior I either didn't eat and just socialized with family or brought my own meal to eat with them. Some low cal crappy tasting food. Otherwise known to the ED community as "safe foods." Last year, I did eat with the family, but my head was full of guilt afterwards. It wasn't this year.
Do I like my body? No. Ha Ha Ha. Far from it. I often annoy my boyfriend with self fat shaming comments. Much of the time I don't even realize I am doing it as it is a natural occurance to me. However, my weight has taken a back seat in my life and isn't as crucial to me as it once was. I am probably the heaviest I've been in a long time. I would say in 3 years. I went from anorexia to suffering from Binge eating disorder. (That "All or Nothing" thinking we usually have, right?) I often yo yo in my weight. Or what I like to call "The Oprah Syndrome." :P
Do I want to lose weight? Yes and I will try. The healthy way of course with healthy aspectations and not as a resolution. More of a lifestyle change.
As for you, my dear. You are fine just the way you are. I often say to others that I wish I was as thin as you. But see that's when I stop myself. Comparing ourselves to others. A big no-no. What we need to do is be the best person we, ourselves, can be. Not even weight wise, but who we are within.
This entry was very brave and I thank you for sharing it with us.
Stay strong. <3