Gratitude #16

It's been a little while since I last had the time to do one of these... Blam! 

photo by A.D. Wheeler 

<3 

friends 

road trips with friends! 

camping 

good old mother nature 

live music 

kitties! 

the will to overcome obstacles and challenge social norms 

spontaneity [the spice of life] 

#firstworldproblems 

hand drums 

matte purple nails 

my inner bitch [I'd be far too nice if she didn't make me stand up for myself!] 

a sense of humor- can't get through life without it 

<3 

What are you grateful for? 

Haters Gonna Hate. No Sweat Off My Ass!

Those who know me know that I'm probably one of the nicest, most down to earth, fun and drama-free people they'll ever meet. 

But this post isn't about them. It's about the haters. 

Don't get me wrong here- I really don't spend a lot of time on negativity. But, sometimes, shit just happens.

I have a "hate club", and honestly, I LOVE IT.

I'd rather be ostracized for what I have to say about the world around me, than ignored for not having anything worth listening to.

Why?

Because that means I'm making a difference. Retaliation [however unintelligent] means I'm hitting the nail on the head, for lack of a better analogy. I'm sparking emotions, and getting a rise out of people, and that's the best thing an artist can do- inspire. That's my job.

Hate me if you will, all too often because I speak the truth.

People are intimidated by that- truth and intelligence [especially if you're fairly attractive]. Some will tell lies to hide their faces. Some will retaliate. But these people don't matter in the least. As long as you're honest and a good person, they can't take you down. No one can hurt you unless you give them that power [and unkind people don't deserve that privilege].

Fear not- stand tall and keep doing what you do. Those who DO matter will show it [and worthwhile friendships can be built on this].

I have so many wonderful friends who support me in everything I do, and I am so thankful for that. I've met so many great people along the way, and am always meeting more. Often the good ones are few and far between, but this makes me appreciate them that much more. <3

The "hate club" can go fuck themselves for all I care. I know I'm making a difference, and that's all that matters. Glad to know I'm doing a good job! 

Easyriders Rodeo 2014 - Chillicothe, OH

Wow, what a week! 

I went with to the Easyriders Rodeo in Chillicothe, OH with Electric Zombie Tattoo. 

Our booth setup was pretty fucking awesome, if you ask me. 

I saw several friends [like Tom Storm- he took photos of me last year] whom I haven't seen in forever it seems. 

The weather was hot and humid. I remember it being 95 degrees or something like that. And I was 'tenting it'. At least most of my days were spent in the air conditioned arts building. 

I made new friends too, like Steve, who tattooed "fearless" on my right forearm on the last night. [No pictures yet, will have to do that soon.] 

I love meeting new people who are fun, and I must say we probably partied a little too much. LOL But it was so worth it! I'm used to late nights. 

I also met other cool people, like Garey Faulkner [@misledcincinnati on Instagram], who you'd probably know best for being on that Whisker Wars show. 

I also got a shirt from the Ridin' Dirty guys. Sweet! 

So it's been a very eventful and fun week, and I'm stoked to have spent my time with so many awesome people. Definitely hoping to do it again next year! 

More photos coming soon.. There were photographers everywhere. 

I'm Going To Ohio!

I'm going to Ohio again this year for the Chillicothe Easyriders Rodeo. So excited! I'll be leaving early Wednesday morning and should be back by Monday at the latest. 

A photo from last year [2013]: 

Right now I'm rushing around to pack all my stuff so it's not another last minute thing, which I so often do. This year I want the morning of departure to be as stress free as possible. 

I'm also trying to downsize what I take with me as well [sample sizes are a life saver] so I don't have too much stuff inside my tiny 6'x6' tent again. And I'm bringing a tarp with me to avoid waking up to a flood [I did not enjoy rolling over into a small pond last year]. 

Lots to do still... See you in a week! 

Gratitude #15

<3 

clashing colors and patterns! 

COFFEE! keeps me from falling asleep [FM meds] 

my internet friends - you've always been very supportive 

my real life friends - you're the ones who are there [here?] for me, and I am grateful 

<3 

<3 

new tattoo! 

peaches are in season.. yum! 

a nice cold beer on a hot day 

t-shirt diy 

<3 

A Small Start To A Very Large Project..

I have a new tattoo! 

I got the door to Valhalla tattooed on the back of my neck last week, and it is a small start to a very large project- Viking back piece. 

The next session will be a ship on my lower back. [Tramp stamp! LOL] 

I love getting tattooed for a lot of reasons. Not only does it look cool, but it helps with my fibromyalgia. A few hours of physical pain usually means I don't feel any FM pains [or significantly less] for several days. It feels so good! LOL Better than any drugs the doctors can give me. 

Speaking of, they want to give me steroid injections. Umm, no. I don't feel comfortable with that. While pain pills aren't a healthy way to deal either, I can at least control my use. Multiple steroid injections, right into my muscles, every few months or so.. NO. [I don't need to grow a second head or a tentacle or whatever.] 

Gratitude #13

<3 

friends! 

lunch with good company :) 

thrift shopping 

laughing yourself to tears 

cherry blossom pink hair - so fun! 

margaritas 

holographic purple nails 

long hikes 

waterfalls 

lost, abandoned cemeteries 

paranormal investigations 

fuzzy friends 

<3 

What an awesome week it's been! 

Despite the ridiculous amount of FM pain I've been feeling [it's that time of month], I still had an amazing week, full of fun things to do! I went hiking in the rain with Gary and his family, explored a lost, abandoned cemetery, colored my hair pink [Pink Hair, Don't Care], and had a nice day out with a good friend- margaritas, lunch, and thrift shopping, yay! 

I'm so thankful for the wonderful people I have in my life. <3 

Taking It All Off

If you've been paying attention lately, you'll know that I've been 'exposing' myself more... 

[in]decent exposure 

I'm showing off more of my tattoos, minus clothing [tastefully]. I'm not afraid, nor ashamed, and I believe tattoos were meant to be seen. It's art. 

And yes, it is also a promotional tactic on my part. I admit it. 

stalk me 

I am now displaying my latest Instagram images in the sidebar of this blog [beneath 'the latest']. So now you can see what I'm up to every day, and join me in exploring all the magic this world has to offer! 

If you're following me, you'll know that I use Instagram as a photo diary. I take my phone everywhere with me, and I 'document' my life as I live it. I have my own photo 'reality show' and I love it. I love how sharing my life adventures has opened a lot of doors for me. 

diary entries 

I will also be getting a little more personal here, posting more diary entries, in addition to everything else I do. I need this outlet, speaking with others [like, the entire world], in addition to my significant other. I need to talk [or, well, write] about how I'm feeling and what I'm experiencing. 

I've always loved journaling, ever since I was a small child. It helps me process what's going on in my life, and keep my head straight. As I grow older, I've learned that people like to know what I'm thinking, and that they apply my opinions/advice to their own personal lives. 

That's what I want most of all- for others to learn and find inspiration in my life stories and experiences. I've been through so much shit [and still am going through it] in my short life, and have so many difficult life lessons to offer. These are the things I express in my music, but I feel I need to blog about them as well. I have a lot to say. 

Please join me in all this- in exposing my innermost self to the world, I can use all the support I can get. I have nothing to hide, but could use a friend [or many]. 

This is a necessary step in my evolution of Self. I am currently in a state of transition, teetering on the edge of something completely new, something greater, and I need this to keep myself in check, as well as to track my progress. I've come a long way already, and have so much further to go... 

What Am I Doing With My Life?

This is a personal question I'm facing a lot right now- "What are you doing with your life?" 

And... it's complicated. 

I have fibromyalgia, which affects my entire body. There is no known cause, and no cure. Chronic, full body pain is something I'm going to have to live with for the rest of my life. 

This year it has progressed to my hands and fingers, all the way down to my toes. I have become disabled, however the government doesn't recognize that [yet], and I am learning to deal with the severity of my condition. 

"I'm 28 years old and physically disabled," is not something I can say without wanting to cry. 

You wouldn't know by looking at me. I look normal, healthy, happy. And I am.. but I also have a lot of problems. I can't relax [or exist, for that matter] without being in constant pain. There are [many] days when I can't sit, stand, nor lie down. 

I'm on several medications [4 right now, 2 of which are controlled substances], which do help, but not completely. I figure any day in which I'm not lying in the fetal position, crying uncontrollably, is a good day. 

I can't hold a 'real job' right now, and no one in their right mind would hire me in this condition. 

And so, I've found this to be the opportune time to make use of my talents and do what I love- music, writing, clothing, makeup, photography, modeling... I do what I can, at my own pace. There is immense pressure every day to do more, and it's hard, but I do my best. 

I also take time to educate the world about fibromyalgia, and support others who have it. 

FM has taken over my entire life, and I just try to stay focused on getting through one day at a time. It's not easy, and never will be. I never did anything to deserve this condition, and am probably the last person I'd expect to have it. But that's life- always throwing curve balls. 

Despite the problems, having FM has made me a much stronger person mentally. Every day I have to see beyond the pain, to the more important things. 

I get a lot of help, especially from Gary, and I am so thankful I have people in my life who understand [or try to]. Having someone there, to listen, is the best help in the world. <3 

So what am I doing? Living. One day at a time. 

Outfit: Black Bikini + Camo Shorts

What I'm wearing: 

bikini - Old Navy | camo shorts - Boa 

sneakers - Etnies | sunglasses - Steve Madden 

Yesterday Gary and I went hiking and cooked out- veggie burgers, potatoes and green beans. So good! 

I encountered problems on the way back- I started getting tired and showing signs of heat stroke. But I pushed on despite badly wanting to lie down and sleep in every shady area I saw. I was delirious and couldn't see or walk straight, but I pushed on for the 1 1/2 hour hike back. Fortunately, we saw a lawn sprinkler right when I was at the point of passing out, and I stood in it for a minute, cooling down in the super-cold water. That was enough to help me get home so I could put a cool rag on my forehead and sleep it off. 

I felt great after a nap and made sure to keep myself hydrated. That's the problem with us Germanic/Scandinavian blooded people- we're very sensitive to sun and heat! 

Check out this similar outfit on WGWT! 

Gratitude #7

It's been another crazy, eventful week. From hiking to gardening, I've been keeping busy. 

But today, I just want to relax. I called in "sick" to my physical therapy session today, because I can't bring myself around to get up and go. Not that it's a huge task, but it's a lot for me to deal with right now. I'm worn out. Utterly exhausted. I need a break. 

That's the thing about FM- you never know what you're going to feel at any given moment. You can feel great, then 5 minutes later you can be on the floor in agony, then falling asleep while talking 5 minutes after that. It takes a lot out of you, and you have to learn how to conserve your energy for the important things in life. It's not easy. 

Fortunately, I get a lot of help from Gary, and other friends, and that means the world to me. 

<3 

Musewear flipflops! 

my friends/family/readers/fans all over the world 

lots of FM support on Twitter! 

outdoor exercise 

matte black nails 

journaling 

paranormal investigation 

jewelry making 

clothing DIY 

fuzzy blankets 

cuddling with furry friends 

organic coffee 

Outfit: Summer Hike + Starting June Out Right

What I'm wearing: 

tank top - unknown | shorts - Old Navy 

belt - Lowlife | bandana - Jagermeister | shoes - Sketchers  

photos taken with HTC One [for Boost Mobile] 

The new tattoo is still a bit painful today, but healing quickly. There wasn't much shade on today's hike, and it's a cloudless day, so I made sure to cover it with my hand when the sun was most intense. I used sunblock, but new tattoos feel much like sunburns, and you definitely want to avoid direct sun exposure. 

What a great way to start out the new month - new body art, exercise, and a 'diet'. And by 'diet', I'm not exactly trying to lose weight, but rather, eat healthy [well, more than usual] and aim for more [lean] muscle definition. My body is important to me. 

As a 'Fibro Warrior', exercise is extremely important, to keep the muscles active and work out the knots. I'm always super stiff in the mornings [to where it's difficult to get out of bed] and the only way to relieve that is to get out and walk. It may hurt like hell at first, but feels so much better later. I've found the best way to deal is to just 'walk it off', even if it takes a couple hours. Usually that means a long hike for me, and Gary is the perfect hiking buddy. 

I'm definitely looking forward to what June has to offer.. Summertime is the best! <3 

Gratitude #6

It's been both a very wonderful and rough week for me. 

I went on a great Memorial Day hike and grilled vurgers [veggie burgers] with Gary, and wound up with terrible blisters, but it was totally worth it! 

I was also overworked at physical therapy last Friday, which spurred a horrible upper body FM flare-up that I'm still paying for today, even after mild exercises and an ultrasound treatment at the following session, yesterday. 

And to top it off, I had blood taken yesterday after PT, which made me extremely tired and weak because it's that time of month, so I'm experiencing blood loss as it is. 

How exhausting! 

But, as always, I have a lot of things to be thankful for.. 

<3 

beautiful, bright flowers! 

free Coppertone sunblock - Sun protection is super important! 

Lots of support on Facebook due to my latest FM post. Thank you, friends! 

Despite my physical ailments, I can still experience the beauty of the natural world. 

Garlic and broccoli pizza! My favorite! 

Margaritas! 

wearing flipflops - I love that free feeling on my toes :) 

I have a very cool and sympathetic primary doctor who loves tattoos. 

fun, colorful sunglasses 

my wonderful BF who supports me in everything I do 

Living With Fibromyalgia

I've written about having Fibromyalgia here several times before, but never really explained what it feels like to live with it. 

If you follow this blog, you'll know that I am very fit, I eat well, and hike long distances on a regular basis. I'm generally a very happy and driven person with big dreams and goals I aspire to. I'm an over-achiever, and appear to have everything working in my favor. I don't look sick at all. In fact, I'm healthier than most people.

But I have a horrid condition, and most people can't even fathom the pain I endure.

There is a very good reason I'm always out hiking- I can't EVER relax. I can't be still without hurting and my muscles tensing up. I have to be constantly moving [but not repetitive motions], and stretching, and massaging my muscles, and half my week is spent at physical therapy and doctor appointments. I'm exhausted, but the moment I stop moving is when the agony sets in. Before I started taking meds, I used to wake up, crying, every single night because the pain of being still was too much to bear. Sleep was impossible.

There is no cure, and this is a condition I'm going to have for the rest of my life.

Part of the reason I get tattooed so often is it can be considered a coping mechanism, a more hardcore acupuncture, replacing one [widespread] pain with another [concentrated] for a little while. It hurts so good, and I find a lot of relief in it.

I consider myself lucky- I have a boyfriend who believes me about this "invisible illness" and supports me in everything I do. He cooks for me every day and tends to me when I can't bring myself to do the little, necessary things in life. He doesn't complain, and always gives me the emotional support I need.

A lot of people with Fibromyalgia don't have this kind of support. I've read about so many marriages falling apart, mothers being unable to care for their children, friendships lost, people losing their jobs, etc., because no one understands what is really happening to these people who suffer from this condition.

What FM looks like if it were visible:

I've heard about so many young [and middle aged], beautiful, strong women [and men] committing suicide because they can't bear the physical and emotional agony that comes with this condition. Things like this make me very sad, and I invite anyone with FM to contact me. You don't need [or deserve] to struggle with this alone.

Living with Fibromyalgia is not a choice. It's something we just have to do.

Gratitude #5

I didn't do a gratitude post last week due to bad fibromyalgia flare-ups, but I finally saw my doctor on Monday [2 days ago] and got prescribed an interesting concoction- Lyrica, Cymbalta, Skelaxin [as needed], and Norco [for the month, until the Lyrica kicks in]. It feels like a party in my head [LOL] and already it's working wonders for the pain. I'm feeling really positive about this so far, and it's not the drugs talking! Right now I'm getting the best sleep I've had in the past 5 years or so. It feels amazing.

Thanks to Influenster [contact me for an invite], I recently received the #GoVoxBox [with items from Playtex, The Vitamin Shoppe, Aqua Spa, Profoot, and Blue Diamond] in the mail, among a ton of other products from other brands, which I will be reviewing here in the near future.

<3
My new Aqua Spa lavender + chamomile lotion feels and smells amazing!
I'm starting to feel so much better! :)
I haven't had to buy anything but food + meds lately.
Long walks in the mountains.
Butterflies!

"Bitch, tell me how you not a hobbit again?" LOL

Diary: Rollercoaster Weekend

What a weekend it's been! 

I'd been feeling pretty good lately, and was ready and excited to hike up to Tanglewood Nature Center with Gary to participate in the prize drawing for the Golden Shoe Contest. 

No big wins for us, but we got a frisbee to play with! 

[Follow me on Instagram!] 

We hiked down the mountain with ease [the whole trip was about 13 miles] and I felt great. 

But later, around dinnertime, the sharp pains I feel mostly in my back [every single day] started growing more frequent and intense. The pain spread to other areas within the hour, and despite the Skelaxin [muscle relaxer], my muscles started tensing up in my back, neck, and between my ribs. I [finally] have an appointment with my primary doctor on Monday [tomorrow], so I tried to stick it out, hoping it'd go away [like it does maybe half the time]. 

[Photos taken with HTC One for Boost Mobile.] 

No such luck. I woke around 3am with unbearable pain, and after trying to stick it out a little while longer, wound up making a 4am ER visit. That's three times within a month- a new record. 

Like most of the doctors I'd seen thus far, the lady had obviously never treated a patient with fibromyalgia. But she was quick to give me some relief- she gave me Norco and a small prescription to last until I can see my primary doctor [for the first time] tomorrow. 

I slept really well when I got back [LOL], and that helped significantly. However, I did wake a little before noon to intense pain shooting throughout my body [again], and I immediately went out to get my meds. Narcotics are not a recommended treatment for FM, but they are making the pain a little more tolerable. A temporary fix until I can see my doctor. 

As I'm typing this, it's been about 28 hours since the flare-up started. My nerves are shot. 

For me, these big flare-ups often last 2-3 days before I start feeling [mostly] good again, and generally occur every week or so. There is no way for me to know exactly when the next one will happen, but stress [the bad kind] has a big impact on how I feel. 

Hopefully tomorrow I can start on an actual FM medication, instead of simply relying on a muscle relaxer that relieves tension, but doesn't do shit for the pain. 

I'm desperate for some sort of relief. 

Outfit: Hello, Tree + Fricken Broccoli Sandwiches

This commercial inspired this photo- "Hello, tree." 

What I'm wearing:
halter top - Posh | shorts - Decree
sneakers - Etnies | sunglasses - Steve Madden

Today was another perfect day for hiking and a cookout, so that's what happened.

Gary gets a little excited about cooking out. LOL 

Video recorded with HTC One [for Boost Mobile]. 

I built the fire and he cooked the food. I can't cook worth a shit.

Gary put fricken [fake chicken] and a broccoli and peppers mix into a Mediterranean-Italian marinade before we left, and grilled in aluminum foil. We didn't have rolls at home, so we picked up a package of hotdog buns at a convenience store before hiking up the mountain. It was fantastic, nonetheless.

Outfit: I Climbed This Mountain + Found A Golden Sneaker

What I'm wearing: 

tank top - Corner Shop | grey cargo pants - unknown 

sneakers - Etnies | sunglasses - Steve Madden 

I woke up feeling almost back to normal today [though a bit dehydrated still], and ready to climb mountains. Literally. [Always gotta push it to the limit.. LOL] 

And so, Gary and I hiked all the way up to Tanglewood Nature Center, as well as the trails, and back down again. While exploring, we found a golden sneaker! 

We checked their website when we got back, and found: 

"Chemung County residents can get moving for a chance to win great prizes during the 10th annual Hunt for the Gold Shoes. Look for 300 gold-painted shoes hidden around local parks and walking trails. Enjoy your outdoor adventure with your family, and quest for a gold shoe with a lucky ticket inside! The Hunt for the Gold Shoes is sponsored by the Eat Well Play Hard Partnership, Tanglewood Nature Center and Museum, and its community sponsors."

Next Saturday we'll turn in the shoe and find out if we win! 

Outfit: Down By The River + A Speedy Recovery

What I'm wearing: 

black tank top - unknown | green shorts with spikes - Decree 

knee socks - Soxxy | sneakers - Etnies | sunglasses - Steve Madden 

I'm back on my feet again! Mostly. :) 

Yesterday was sweltering hot, and Gary and I walked down to the river [which is only 2 blocks from the apartment] in the afternoon to cool down. I took lots of photos with my phone [HTC One for Boost Mobile], and sat on a fallen tree and we watched the birds of prey circle and dive for food. [A few years ago the city constructed nesting areas to bring osprey back.] 

As we were leaving, I picked some young dandelion leaves, which I used to brew tea when I got home. [11 Health Benefits of Dandelion and Dandelion Root] 

Overnight my kidney pain has gone from intolerable to slight discomfort on the right side, which, I am so relieved! [FYI, I almost died 5 years ago of dehydration due to a kidney infection.] Kidney pain is no joke, and not something to be taken lightly. I knew it was due to taking so many different medications this past week, and I had been severely dehydrated for a couple of days, and hadn't been able to eat much for 3 days, so I waited and tried alternative remedies before going to the ER again. I just wanted a couple days away from the hospital! LOL 

The speed-cure: 

1) Cranberry juice [on ice if you find it too tart]. 

2) Apple cider vinegar diluted in water. As much as you can stomach, all day. 

3) Turmeric. Use it in food and/or take it in capsule form [with food]. 

4) Get up and walk a little if you can. Get your blood pumping. 

5) Get plenty of rest as well. You'll be exhausted, and need to heal. 

I can't ever do nothing, so I kept fairly busy during this time. I finally watched Imaginaerum, which is fantastic, BTW. Later, something clicked- I suddenly had huge waves of lyrics rushing into my head, and had to get them out on paper [my notebook]. And of course, spent several hours with my keyboard in front of me. [There is something so incredibly inspiring about Tuomas Holopainen, he makes me realize the driving force behind why I write.] So my 'down time' wasn't really 'down time', and I wasn't going out of my mind. 

I also want to thank Anth [again] for the gift and reassurance, which, I was once again reminded why I do what I do, at a time when I need[ed] it most. 

I also must say, we had a basic cheese pizza last night for dinner, and it was the best thing ever. That was the first I could eat more than a few bites on occasion in 3 fucking days, and it was AWESOME. 

Gratitude #4

Honestly, this week has been horrible for me. I've been poked and prodded by multiple doctors, nurses, and my physical therapist (whom I don't feel is the right one for me). I've taken so many different medications this week that my kidneys ache, and I'm going to have to go to the ER again if it's not any better tomorrow- just in case. I hurt terribly, I can't sleep, I can barely eat, and my nerves are shot. 

I cancelled my physical therapy appointment for tomorrow, just in case. I need this time to get better. 

I've hit a low point, and I feel helpless and miserable. This is not like me at all. I'm normally a very happy and strong-willed person, but right now, I just feel terrible. Beaten down. Depressed. 

But this isn't a self-pity post. I have plenty to be grateful for. 

<3 

Gary is such a huge help. I can't take care of myself at the moment, and I'd probably be in a hospital bed right now if it wasn't for him. <3 

Flula is hilarious! | The weather is BEAUTIFUL right now. :)
I've received a lot of cool stuff in the mail this week, and plenty more to come!
I've been very productive in my lyrics writing lately.
Life may be hard for me right now, but I know it will get better.